ATTENTION PASSENGERS

CRAZY TRAIN ARRIVAL TIME POSTPONED 2 HOURS DUE TO UNSCHEDULED STOPS IN VOM-TOWN EAST, WEST AND NORTH. EXPECT DELAYS ALL DAY.




UHHHH...SORRY DUDES!

SO. BEAUTIFUL.

CHEERS, FROM ONE TRAIN TO THE OTHER!

OH SHIT WAIT

trainwreck: did you save him?
crazy train: no i got distracted
trainwreck: i saw last days again a few days ago
crazy train: WAIT
trainwreck: gus van zant's kurt movie
crazy train: I JUST REMEMBERED WHY I GOT DISTRACTED
trainwreck: haha
trainwreck: whyyy>
crazy train: YOU AND I WERE BEING CHASED BY A RABID SQUIRREL
crazy train: I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH
crazy train: OMG I AM LAUGHING
trainwreck: hahahahahaha
trainwreck: BRILLAINT
trainwreck: i misspelled that
trainwreck: ITS A METAPHOR!
trainwreck: or something?
crazy train: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THAT PART
trainwreck: hahahaha sooooo gooood
crazy train: and then no one believed us!!
crazy train: and kurt WAS ALREADY GONE
crazy train: and i knew that i'd never be able to save him from his imminent, drug fueled death!!!!!
crazy train: IT WAS SO SAD
trainwreck: hahahaha BECAUSE OF A SQUIRREL
trainwreck: i think the squirrel is [LORD OF THE JAMZ]
crazy train: ugggghhhhhh FUCK THAT SQUIRREL
crazy train: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
trainwreck: it's got to be!
crazy train: that squirrel was ANGRY
trainwreck: [JAMZ] doesnt seem like an angry kid
crazy train: my dreams obv. know better though
trainwreck: hahah true true

DREAMZ

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED THAT MY DAD CALLED ME FAT AND I WAS REALLY, REALLY MAD ABOUT IT


THEN I HAD A DREAM THAT I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE KURT COBAIN FROM AN EARLY GRAVE, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS LURE HIM AWAY FROM COURTNEY LOVE!



THE SECOND ONE WAS A PRETTY GOOD DREAM, BUT EVEN IN MY DREAM HE WAS A REALLY LITTLE GUY!

A WEEKEND IN RETROSPECT

1. i have a MYSTERIOUS BITE SHAPED BRUISE on my forearm. who gave me this?????!?

2. I HAVE NOT GOTTEN A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP IN DAYS AND DAYS. crazy train and i painted the town red on saturday night but we DON'T REMEMBER IT. see also: holiday parties, previous attempts at wrestling/skirt monsters, various nefarious trips in mystery vans. basically it was awesome. i think. from what i hear anyway.

3. my liver hurts. really. ouch ouch ouch.

4. crazy train and hubby are so cute i am glad i didn't vomit on them.

5. i'm also just glad i didn't vomit in general.

6. i forget what wonderful things i told some shirtless dude backstage but i remember thinking i was really funny. i think in drunk to sober translation that means i was being plain old weird and/or making poor attempts at humor. i think i was trying to make fun of him? did he bite me? THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE NEVER CEASE.

7. i love biscuits and gravy. KUDOS TO MY MOM FOR TAKING HER DRUNK DAUGHTER TO A NICE BRUNCH. also double bonus for delicious bloody mary with capers.

8. i'm really into getting postcards.

9. i have decorated everything in my apartment with xmas lights. SRSLY! it looks beautiful/shiny/bright/like a shitty dormroom minus the monet poster and ugly clapboard snap together furniture with fucking stupid butterfly chair. how ugly is this pink furry thing? makes my skin crawl.



10. i am a skittish alley cat. please scratch behind my earz but don't be suprised if i'm rabid. or if i have feline aids. or if i'm really bad with people/babies/other kitties. LOVE ME!

OH SHIT WAIT

EVEN BETTER

FREIGHT TRAIN:

THE (EXTREMELY) EARLY YEARS?

FUCK. WINTER.

SERIOUSLY.

ANOTHER NIGHT IN THE LIFE OF THE FREIGHT TRAIN

THURSDAY THE LADIEZ ATE A LOT OF CUBAN FOOD

AND COULDN'T OPEN THEIR BEERZ WITH AS MUCH SKILL AS THE DUDE WITH THE SPOON


A RUCKUS WAS CAUSED, FREE BOOZE WAS IMBIBED, CRAZY TRAIN LOST HER VOICE, LORD OF THE JAMZ WAS CALLED.

TONIGHT, THEY RELIVE THE GLORY. ONLY WITH LESS CUBAN FOOD AND WITH A SICKER CRAZY TRAIN.

HOLY SHIT

THE WORLD MAY BE ENDING.


BRITNEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!

EVIDENCE
MORE EVIDENCE

CRAZY TRAIN IS A GENIUS

SHE SENT THIS TEXT TO THE LORD OF THE JAMZ LATE SATURDAY/EARLY SUNDAY:

"Must...make...way...hofme. Sllefpimh on street not opt4on."

"Sllefpimh" IS OBV. ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

CRAZY TRAIN IS A POLYGLOT GENIUS.

WHAT!?

RUSSIAN FUCKING SPIES?? IN CANADA!?

thanksfreaking

KATIE IS LOCKED IN A TOWER

POOR PRINCESS KATIE.

WHY DRUNKS SHOULD ALWAYS DATE

DID WE TALK ABOUT THIS ALREADY? I CAN'T REMEMBER. LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN.


ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES FOR CONVERSATION!

F*CKED UP DUDE

PROBLEMZ WITH TODAY:

1. I AM AT WORK AT A MAKESHIFT MESSY DESK THAT IS NOT EVEN MY OWN MAKESHIFT MESSY DESK BUT THAT OF A COWORKER TAKING SABACTICLE IN HAWAII. WHAT AN AZZHOLE FOR BEING IN HAWAII WHILE I AM HERE.

2. MY THROAT/HEAD STILL HURTZ. THE DWARVES IN MY BRAIN ARE RESTLESS. EDIT BY CRAZY TRAIN: THIS NEEDED A PICTURE. BRAIN DWARVES!!!! (CUE BIG BLACK)

3. I HAVE WORK TO DO, AM OVERWHELMED. IN SHORT, I FEEL MILDLY RETARDED.

4. SOMEONE HAS EATEN MY CEREAL ! IT IS MISSING FROM THE OFFICE KITCHEN, NOWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE MUTIPLE MUSTY DUSTY CABINETS AND DARK RECESSES! SOMEONE MUST HAVE ABSCONDED WITH THE GOODZ. WHO WOULD DO A THING LIKE THAT TO A KID LIKE ME? WHEN ALL YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THE WORLD IS YOUR DELICIOUS BAG OF OVERPRICED GRANOLA AND YOU HAVE BEEN DENIED, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?! HOW MANY HOURS MUST YOU WAIT TILL LUNCH? (THERE WAS NOT EVEN SOMEONE ELSE'S YUMMY CEREAL TO STEAL TO SETTLE THE SCORE, UNLESS YOU COUNT THE GRAPENUTS AND I THINK THEY'VE BEEN THERE SINCE THE ICE AGES AND ARE THEREFORE REPELLANT, NOT DELICIOUS NOR ENTICING). WHOEVER STOLE MY CEREAL I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON THE NUTRITIOUS WALNUTS AND HEARTY OATS!

IT IS A SAD SAD DAY.

EMERGENCY MESSAGE FROM SICKBAY

TO CRAZY TRAIN:

HALF TRAIN IS NOT A GOOD TRAIN. THAT SED, I THINK YOU ARE THE ENGINE. AM I THE DINING CAR? SLEEPER CAR? THE CABOOSE HAS TO BE ABLE TO SHAKE IT SOMETHING SERIOUS. WHO'S THE CONDUCTOR ON THIS TRAIN ANYHOW? RIGHT NOW, I'M IN THE SHOP. NEED SOME REPAIR WORK TO RECOVERY MY USUAL SPEED AND FEROCITY. IS THAT A WORD? I HAVE NO IDEA.

DETAILS OF MY STATUS: I FEEL AS IF MY HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE INTO HUNDREDS OF TINY PIECES AND THE DWARVES THAT ARE HAMMERING IN MY BRAIN WILL COME SCAMPERING OUT SINGING (PROBABLY SOMETHING OFF BIG BLACK'S SONGS ABOUT F*CKING) AND MAKING MERRY (FREEBASING), TAKING MY MIND WITH THEM. WHATEVER IS WRONG WITH ME I AM PRETTY SURE I NEED SOME VICODIN.

TIME TO CRAWL BACK TO BED, PULL THE COVERS OVER MY HEAD.

XX,

TRAIN WRECKEDDDDDDDDDDD

FREIGHT TRAIN -1

LIFE IS SAD WHEN YOUR TRAIN IS ONLY HALF COMPLETE! I WONDER WHO'S THE ENGINE AND WHO'S THE CABOOSE?

I MADE LORD OF THE JAMZ PLAY "LOOK AT MY CRAZY EX!" WITH ME BECAUSE I WAS SO LONELY. HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE THREE OF US:

WORK

ie: NOT DOING ANY. LOOKING AT YOU ALL CUTE LIKE.
HEY BABY CALL ME LATERZ OKAY?

I HEART POOR QUALITY VIDEO

HERE'S SOME POOR QUALITY VIDEO OF THE MOUNTAIN GOATS FROM LAST NIGHT! HE'S SINGING "NO CHILDREN" AFTER 30,000,000,000 PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE SCREAMED "NO CHILDREN"!!



I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HE LOVES ME BACK.

ANGRY FERRET KIDZ CUZ SHE ATE TOO MUCH LUNCHERS! GRRRR. ALSO SHE NOT LOOK PRETTY IN HER BUNNY EARZ! ANGRY ANGRY. FULL FULL. NO HONGRY NO MORE!

FACT

SOMETIMES A COUPLE GIRLS JUST GOTTA EAT A LOT OF MEXICAN FOOD AND BE REAL SLEEPY.

HOLY CRAP

can we just TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS GUY!?

ALEXIS GIDEON I LOVE YOU.

EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO LIOPHANT. HOTTEST. TRACK. EVER.

welcome to the fun party kidz!

HOLY FUCK.


in brief:

HEADACHE.
NO DINNER.
FREE BEER.
DRUNK BY NINE.
CRAZY TRAIN AND I STRIKE TERROR.
BOYZ HORRIFIED/CONFUSED.


mission accomplished!

HUGGIN' POCKETS

THIS JACKET HAS HUGGIN' POCKETS! THEY ARE POCKETS THAT ARE ONLY ACCESSIBLE WHEN ONE IS HUGGIN'! HOW RAD IS THAT?

I BET IF ALL JACKETS IN THE WORLD HAD HUGGIN' POCKETS THE WORLD WOULD BE A LOT HAPPIER. AND I'D GET TO HUG A LOT MORE PEOPLE.

DEAR BRITNEY:

I MADE THIS FOR YOU LAST WEEK, RIGHT AFTER I HEARD. BUT I'VE BEEN PRETTY BUSY. SORRY.

THIS IS HOW WE ROLL.